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raided by a guru

I woke up this morning to a chilly 44 degree wind and the sun sneaking through my window, kissing me awake. I rolled outta bed, did my bidness in the bathroom, and brushed my teeth.


But there was a strange omen in the bathroom…


See, Twitter gurus are now telling foolish people that brushing your teeth is a Big Dental scam. (Even though said guru in question has the most inflamed set of gums I ever did see… probably because he hasn’t brushed his teeth since March 2020, but what do I know?)


“No way a guru would raid my house and mutilate my toothbrush right?” I thought to myself.


Well, no that wasn’t quite true…


I left the bathroom to be greeted by my hangry cats and rambunctious chihuahua. The cats sang in harmony so I’d feed them and Romeo (my dog) wagged his tail waiting to attack the cats the second they went down the stairs.


I fed the cats, and took Romeo “potty” as he calls it. And I started thinking about my day. I have a couple important new projects to work on today, a couple of meetings, and a whole slew of emails.


When Romeo did his bidness, the gang (the three animals who live in my house, but do not pay rent) and I went up to my office to get to work.


Again, this strange omen followed me around all morning up to this point. But I couldn't put my finger on why.


Well, before starting my day, I walked over to the coffee pot (yes, it’s in my office), threw in a K-cup and pressed start.


Nada.


No “clicky” sound.


No red light appeared to signal that my trusty Keurig sidekick was doing my bidding.


Nothing.


Then, it hit me…


I bet Chris Orzy himself drove down from New Jersey all the way to Ohio to break my Keurig to try to replace it with raw milk or water!


At least I hope it was Chris Orzy, and not one of these weird “drink your own pee” types found in the weirdest corners of Health Twitter. Or worse: a Money Twitter “drink water” bozo as if the entire world and their brother forgot that you need water to survive. Well, unless you’re that Elitom El-amin dude I wrote about not long ago.


What’s the point of this story?


Well, a guru raided my house and broke my Keurig.


I have a long day ahead. And now I have to start said day by frequenting the local Target to buy another Keurig.


Good to have freedom to leave when I want.


But heed this, cully:


Don’t listen to your favorite guru. Because they’re probably responsible for breaking into my house like a neanderthal and breaking my stuff for speaking out against ‘em.


(I sure hope they didn’t touch anything else in my house…)


Hopefully this email makes sense. But if’n it doesn’t, it’s because I haven't had my morning cup of jo.


Which reminds me:


Whether a guru broke your Keurig or not, hitting reply and jumping on a quick call with yours truly can help you make more moolah every time you hit “send.”


So, book a call here, and lemme prove how much money I can make you if’n we partner together.


Deal?


Okay, I really gotta get to Target before my next meeting….


John

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